Wha-what is this? I'll tell you what this is: it's the "big, hot new thing that's gonna blow all the competition out of the water." You- you may want to be sitting down for this one. What am I talking about? You're watching this on a computer or a toilet or whatever and you're- you're already sitting down.
This is a real show. This is the "realest" show. At least, that's what you'd figure if you know how Comedy Central has been treating it. They're really pushing for this to succeed. On the website, at least when this review started, the show was advertised above South Park, and during primetime, it's been airing right after it. You may have even seen an ad for this very show on one of my own videos. That's how algorithms work. Maybe you saw an ad for this show on this video right now. Only time will tell if this review is advertiser-friendly.
Comedy Central trusted this show so much that they renewed it for a second season two months before it even aired. Before I go on, can we please agree to stop doing this? Please, all the networks, stop doing it. I've noticed this trend a lot lately, with networks giving shows a second season before their first one even airs. The second season is something that you need to earn. To be fair, it even frustrates me when it's done with good shows. Star vs. the Forces of Evil, for instance. It was given a second season before the first one even aired. Don't get me wrong, Star is one of my favorite cartoons of the decade, and I'm glad that it did get a second season. Eventually. But there's no way that anyone could've known that ahead of time or even with its pilot episode. It could've had a great pilot and then bombed horribly on the way down, or just stayed mediocre. In fact, for the first few episodes after the pilot, it kinda seemed to be going that way. You need to earn a second season. I mean, if we keep giving any random show a second season as soon as we hear about it, it might mean that we're stuck with- oh yeah. Legends of Chamberlain Heights.
This show shattered two misconceptions of mine. Number one: I thought that adult cartoons might start to improve and not all be Family Guy or South Park wannabes, after watching BoJack Horseman and Rick and Morty reach massive success. Guess not, since South Park's diarrhea gets two seasons on first sight. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe this show just got two seasons right off the bat because the execs at Comedy Central were afraid that it would eat them if they didn't try to appease it. Because the other misconception that this show shattered was that no mainstream adult cartoon could be worse than Mr. Pickles, which also managed to get a second season, by the way.
I've complained a lot about Adult Swim cartoons, but Comedy Central is a lot worse. At least even the worst Adult Swim shows have their own unique identity. They might be the identities of serial killers, but they have their own identities nonetheless. Even with something like King Star King, i-it's very hard to call it a South Park clone. Every Comedy Central animated show that's not South Park has tried to be South Park. Well, except for Moonbeam City. That tried to be Archer. I mean, that's not strictly true, but that's certainly what it feels like. I've already given my opinion on Drawn Together. Drawn Together was a show with an amazing concept and it had more potential than almost any other show that I've ever seen. What'd they do with it? They tried to be South Park. Then there was Lil' Bush, which tried to make fun of George W. Bush--in 2007, when his presidency was almost over. And we already knew that he kinda had some problems. It had been 7 years at that point. Then there's Brickleberry, which I don't even want to dignify. It's the regurgitation of regurgitation of regurgitation--let me put it this way: as long as Comedy Central keeps making animation, there will always be more material for me to do. They are worse than Fox in the animation department.
And that brings us back here. I am speechless. Like, I feel like I shouldn't need to explain to anyone what's wrong here. But considering that this is apparently the hot new thing in adult cartoons, maybe I do. So where do I begin? Well, since the show is incredibly superficial, allow me to be superficial and talk about the animation. It's the worst. In existence. I've seen a lot of cartoons with poor animation, but this is worse than all of that. There are no exceptions. This is Legends next to Newgrounds animation put on the internet by a single person without professional equipment about a decade ago. This is Legends next to the first cartoon ever put to television. This is Legends next to the first animation ever made. Are you noticing a pattern here? Legends' animation is worse than all of them. You could put cardboard on a stick in front of a camera and whatever you made would have better animation than this show. You have to be actively trying to make something look this bad, and, I think that might actually be the case. Look at the outlines. They're not solid, randomly missing some spots here and there. This is impossible to accidentally do on a computer. And if you're drawing with actual Sharpies, you have to be able to see the missing holes. These are the outlines! Even the worst cartoons that I've ever seen in my life, the quality of the actual outlines have always been solid. In fact, if you're using a computer's fill tool--which the show obviously is--to color, it would make your job even harder to have outlines like this. But it's a show that airs right after South Park. Could it be that they're trying to imitate its style? Considering that the animation is the weakest part of South Park, and they can get away with it only because they make each episode six days beforehand to be topical, that would be stupid. That actually reminds me more of 12 oz. Mouse, though, because it has no cohesion or style of its own. There's a style that's distinctly South Park. This show doesn't have that. It's a bunch of disparaging elements mangled together in a blender. Even each individual character taken on its own, it's hard to figure out if they're from the same show. Compare this to something like Stickin' Around. The characters are simple stick figures, but you couldn't mistake them for being in another show. And yeah, it does seem like it has some quality issues. The characters don't stay still in between frames. However, there's a reason for it: Stickin' Around tries to be the type of show that children would actually make. It leads to the best, worst and most unique aspects of the show. But it's consistent in everything, from the stories to the characters to the tone. Every element builds into another. With Legends here, all the elements just attack each other and it leads to a trainwreck. Even ignoring that, Stickin' Around still follows the 12 Principles of Animation. Legends of Chamberlain Heights decides to follow only some of them, some of the time. Like framing. Check this scene here. Wouldn't this scene look better if the face of the guy the kid was talking to was actually on the screen? And this is their idea of exaggeration: just the pupils getting bigger.
As bad as the animation is, the character design is not much better. Half of it is, "(laughs) Ugly! (laughs) Fat! (laughs) Saggy breasts!" I mean, most of them do look like some thing you could conceivably call a human, but some of them are-
Ms. Noble: Okay, people. The school board is making us discuss the dangers of drugs with you.
My God. It is far too late for her. Also, all the lips are weirdly huge. It looks like Botox got into the water supply, but I know that's not the case because the first episode had a Botox joke. The characters from Parappa the Rapper look less like paper than the characters we've got here. And all of this is a major problem because this show is trying to be a shock show like Mr. Pickles or Adult Party Cartoon. But believe it or not, you cannot pull that off without really fluid animation. That is why "Ren Seeks Help" was so effective at being disturbing. John K. actually has talent. This show looks worse than Pelswick, which was drawn by a quadriplegic man. This is only one step up from showing us a black screen and just saying, "Imagine defecation. Good. Now imagine two people having sex in it."
So, the characters. First, there's Milk. The whole joke is that he acts black, but he's not black. They expect this one joke to be funny for two seasons. This is Jamal, and he sounds like Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy.
Jamal: We the future! You wouldn't know nothin' about that!
That is all I can hear when he talks. And finally, we have Grover, who is Grover. He has no personality.
To be absolutely fair, the second episode isn't as bad as the first one, but that's because it tries a lot less hard to shock the audience, and thus it begins to lose any identity the show was trying to begin with. But let's take a full, honest look at it, and see if we can find any redeeming value whatsoever. The episode starts during a basketball game, and our main characters aren't even playing. Jamal is eating a corn dog and a potential product placement. And the other two are shooting the breeze. We learn that they have their first high school game coming up.
Grover: At least we finally got our first high school game comin' up! Our first step to being legends.
You might wanna rework that plan just a little bit. Just sayin'.
Milk: All the beefy finna jocks when they see us rockin' our jerseys, my nigs!
(Grover slaps Milk)
He's not black, but he thinks he's black. It's a joke. Get it? I-I hope you do because that is every single joke that they tell with him. It's like a less-effort, so less funny version of Uncle Ruckus. With cancer. The coach starts yelling at everyone because in the media, there's no difference between a gym teacher and a drill instructor. I'm just saying, that joke has kinda run its course.
It's hard to understand what anyone is saying. Yes, this show, like Da Boom Crew, uses a lot of slang. It's weird. Whenever a show tries to appeal to a certain demographic, like this one does, they seem to rely on some pretty bad stereotypes.
While they comb their hair in the locker room, we can see that every single bit of moon in the show only has two frames of animation. A block of lead is more fluid than this show.
Randy: I'mma start callin' you Montaint, cause you ain't Montreal, and you look like a taint.
Yeah, I have no idea what anyone is saying. Do I have to do the slang thing again?
(Caption: No. Never do the slang thing)
Okay, good. Part of the reason that I'm having trouble understanding this is that everyone besides the main characters, who speak in unintelligible slang, shouts. Like, a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Like a lot! Yes, I'm not one to talk.
Milk: If I can't wear my jersey to school, I'mma go white boy and shoot this bitch up.
I don't even see what they're trying to do with him. It's not offensive, it's just stupid. Anyway, Grover has eyes for the popular girl, who is the girlfriend of the jerk jock. I didn't know this show came out in the '90s. I mean, that's the last time this story was interesting, right? Speaking of unwanted relics of the '90s, in this episode, the students will be paired up to take care of a baby. The twist is that instead of an egg, they each get these robots. That may have sounded funny or unique or whatever, but let's talk about the show's identity, setting and the cohesion of it.
Look around the school. It's dirty; it looks awful. It's as low-budget as the animation will allow it to look like. In fact, that may be what they're trying to go for with the animation. Please tell me that the school could afford enough robots for an entire class.
Milk gets paired with the lazier re-skin of Jamal. Jamal gets paired up with-- when did Norbit come out? 2007? Okay.-- a joke that's been overdone, overplayed, borderline offensive and unfunny for about a decade before that movie came out. And Cindy, the popular girl, gets paired up with Grover. What's with the powder? Like, seriously, I-I don't know what the joke is supposed to be. Are those drugs? Is this just-just random drug reference? It's kinda outta nowhere and has nothing to do with anything, and they don't even make it clear that it's a drug reference. And Randy gets paired with- oh, come on! I've already talked about how unfunny this brand of joke is a while back. It's not that the joke is offensive, it's just that it's so easy to make and so overdone. If you're watching this show, you, the audience, you have seen this joke before, especially if you're watching Comedy Central. So immediately we see the new couples interact. For these two, who are fat, we get fat jokes. For these two, who are in an abusive relationship, we get abusive relationship jokes. And with Grover, he has to ace this project if he wants to steal someone else's girlfriend. Wait, that makes him sound like a terrible person. He's supposed to be the good guy protagonist we're supposed to root for, right? This kid, he's the smartest character on the show, and no one treats him like blah blah blah. Remember Stewie Griffin? Legends of Chamberlain Heights remembers Stewie Griffin. And then we see- actually, I have no idea what the purpose of this scene is at all. It's not funny, it doesn't introduce any new characters, and it doesn't move plot along. There are a lot of scenes like this. You know, I think they lost the very slim chance that that kind of joke might've been funny by doing something remarkably similar to it in the first episode.
Shamal: Come on Milk, we're in this together!
Milk: Already been done, told you, Shamal. That baby ain't mine.
I can't tell if this show is trying to be funny and being bad at it, or actively trying to make people mad and being bad at it. I'm sorry, but this is just so pathetic that I can't even get angry at it. Even with the worst possible shows, that's never happened before. Even the most offensive, putrid messes of animation, I've been able to muster more emotion for than this thing. What do I even say to that? It feels like critiquing a middle schooler's pen drawings. There's not even much to talk about in the quantity department. They just keep going on with the same jokes over and over again. "If it's funny the first time, it'll be funny the fiftieth time, right?" Except that it wasn't even funny the first time. And then it's mixed in with jokes like this:
Coach Bundy: And when you have a baby, you need motherf*cking insurance! That's why you gotta enroll these little bastards in RobamaCare!
Yes, Obamacare is a thing, and they're robots, so-- this is not how political commentary even functions. It's like, "here's a senator. Robot senator. I made a joke."
So blah, blah insurance, blah, blah, vaccinations, blah, blah robots can really get sick. I think where you can see where this is going next. Their baby gets measles in the very next scene, so Grover needs to find someone to watch the baby while he's at the game. We have another scene that doesn't move the plot along, doesn't introduce any new characters, and isn't funny. Hey, is that kid from CollegeHumor? Naw, even they're too good to be associated with this trainwreck. Anyway, these kids are selling drugs. So Grover asks his wash-up big brother to watch his robot baby.
Montreal: Lemme get yo social.
Grover: What?
Montreal: Sometimes, Montreal has to become someone other than Montreal.
(Montreal smokes a blunt)
He does drugs and he's a criminal. We've already established this. We already know that this is a bad idea at every level. Onward to the basketball game! I have a quick confession to make. I don't really have any interest in basketball, so I have no idea what they're talking about. If you are interested in basketball, you might be a little bit more interested in the show than I am. However, that's not really defense of the show. I don't really know how to play tennis, or know any famous tennis players, or any of the terminology- except maybe love, and yet, I enjoy The Prince of Tennis. If the show is good, it will at least allow me to tolerate the basketball subject matter, or a subject matter that I don't like. If the show is really good, it will make me actually like basketball. This show makes me never want to hear or see anything about basketball ever again.
And we see that the robot baby thing has been given an inexorable amount of drugs. Is this thing a robot because people might find this absurdly disturbing if they did it to a physical infant? Or is it just because an actual infant in this art style would give people nightmares for the rest of their life? It's just shock, but it doesn't have the style or creativity or budget to actually shock. Believe it or not, it actually takes effort to even be shocking. You know, the shows that were the most shocking-- "Ren Seeks Help" and The Brothers Grunt--you realize that they have very talented people behind them.
So, Grover and his brother go to a tech shop, but who really cares? I don't want these people to succeed. They're lazy idiots.
Shopkeeper: It looks like the baby has Powered down syndrome.
Grover: My baby has Powered down syndrome?
Ha-ha-ha, that's not funny. So, he gives the baby to his girlfriend, and she's angry and--
Grover: Stupid baby! It's yo fault I ain't gonna get laid!
And our protagonist is delusional. The three of them break into the teachers' computers in order to reset all the robot babies. I don't see how that would work, since Grover's baby clearly suffered hardware damage, and not software damage. If you're gonna do a robot thing you should at least get the basics correct. Somehow, this ends up unvaccinating all of the babies.
Shamal: It's dying!
Hunny: Oh Shamal, every woman loses a baby or two in her lifetime!
If I made a fire out of all the cardboard used in the show, how long do you think it would last? At some kind of party, the show pulls the question of "how big an action scene can something this badly animated come up with?" The answer is... it can't. One of the babies gets crushed. But because everyone's baby died, the teacher decides to grade on a curve and everyone gets an A. Also, dead baby jokes are the laziest possible way that a show could try to do dark humor. And this must literally, like the actual definition of literally, be the laziest way possible to make any kind of show possible, not just animation.
I can't think of a single element that was done lazier anywhere else. It looks like utter garbage next to even Paddy the Pelican, and this was made by an entire team! That was made by just one guy. It's just a cheap cash-grab on South Park, and I'm having a hard time even caring about it on that level. You could say that I'm out of fucks to give. I wouldn't go out of my way to get this show cancelled, I mean, the last time that I attempted to remove a cartoon entirely from existence, it, uh-
(Cut to Undertale with Patrick as Sans)
Patrick: Heya. You've been busy, huh?... So, I've got a question for ya. Do you think everybody can be a good friend...? That anyone can relax and have a laugh? Ha ha ha ha... All right. Well, here's a better question. Do you wanna have a Pat time?
-it didn't work out very well. But there is no reason for this show to exist. It's not funny, it's not insightful, it's not pretty to look at, it doesn't tell good or even unique stories, the characters aren't interesting or relatable to anyone, the animation can literally be described as minimal, it's not even shocking. And unlike 12 oz. Mouse, I don't think that it could even make other people more certain of their own artistic abilities. The only thing that this show can do is make you feel sorry for Comedy Central. They got a virus that they can't get rid of for two years. One of many, unfortunately. And one of these days, these viruses are gonna go lethal.