Mr. Enter: You know, I don't even know what to say about this one. Every so often, I come across an episode that just...makes me speechless--not angry, not offended, not even ready to laugh at its failures.
(Caption: You're not seeing random still images. This is how it is actually "ANIMATED" in the real episode.)
And if any show could make me feel that way at this point, you know in your heart of cards that it would be The Fairly OddParents or Family Guy. We're talking about Fairly OddParents--the year just doesn't feel complete unless I tackle at least one episode from some of my old favorite topics. And I know what you're thinking: "What more could you possibly say about The Fairly OddParents at this point?" Besides talking about the creator, who has...done some things, I guess. I think he became a televangelist, or something. I don't really follow the news that much. But yeah, I guess you're right there. I have talked about a lot of different episodes of The Fairly OddParents. I've talked about their endless amount of new characters that made the show worse and worse, I've talked about its seasonal rot and how the humor has curdled like milk, but I've never actually talked about the worst episode of The Fairly OddParents.
"Lights Out" is the worst episode of The Fairly OddParents--I'm not beating around the bush. It's worse than "It's a Wishful Life," it's worse than "OddDog," it's worse than "Certified Super Shitter" or whatever that episode's name was. Honestly, it's an episode that I don't even feel particularly comfortable talking about. It's that bad. And you might be wondering, if it's so bad, what the hell did they do in it? Did they teach some heinous moral like in "It's a Wishful Life?" Uh-uh, no. Did they fill it with gross-out like "Timmy's Secret Wish?" Uh, no. Not that either. Did it annoy the piss out of me? Nuh-uh, not really. So, what the hell did it do, then? The episode "Lights Out" did absolutely nothing--I don't know why I'm even hiding it. So, this is the episode--like, the entire thing. The only thing onscreen at any given time is the characters' eyes with little exception, and those exceptions tend to be making Cosmo and Wanda look as disturbing as possible. Yeah, let's just let it sink in.
Do I even need to continue this review? I mean, I don't need to explain why this is bad, right? Anyone with a brain can see the problem. A-a-am I being wrong with that? No, John, no. This episode was made by a creative team. There were voice actors and...let's call them artists. There were writers, editors, and this whole episode needed a pitch to be brought to the network executives, who knew that if this episode turned out badly, it would reflect poorly on them. These people have all been working years and years in the industry and probably even had a college education for their respective fields. I mean, it's certainly possible that every single person involved in this was stupid 'cause the only other explanation is that none of theme cared! You know what? I lied. This episode does make me angry and it does offend me on a very fundamental level. This episode deserves to be played for every animation class ever because this is the most brazen admission by a creative I have ever seen that they do not care about their work! Either that or Mr. Krabs got a hold of the budget and didn't let anyone else get a hold of it. Seriously, who the fuck signed off on this?! Can I call it an Animated Atrocity when this thing is not animated?!
So, let's explain very slowly and very tediously so even the densest among us here can understand why you cannot just sign your name on a blank test and hope to get a passing grade! I don't even know whether or not I should comment on the--let's be ungodly generous and call it the visuals. I mean, it's incredibly obvious, right? It feels like I'm talking about a goddamn unicorn because it doesn't exist! Or at best, talking about quantum particles because they only exist IN THEORY! I'm sorry, I know that I'm harping on about this, but this is just inexcusable. Fairly OddParents, at the time, was the second-most profitable and popular show on Nickelodeon, and while they didn't give even their most popular shows any kind of special budget, you'd never seen SpongeBob doing any of this shit, not even in its worst seasons. No, you know what? I'm sorry. You don't see indie animation doing this shit with no budget! You know, people who make cartoons and animation that don't have any kind of money!
(Caption: 2009 by the way. 2 years before Lights Out)
Elephant's Dream, for instance. That was made entirely on open-source software. Money isn't an excuse! Can you imagine anyone struggling to try and get into the industry, working every single day to hone their craft, trying to create some kind of visual masterpiece, but they've never been able to quite do it? They've never been given that job or get their foot in the door. And then they see this airing on a primetime channel--one of the most popular shows on that primetime channel! And to rebut the one and only excuse that might come up for this, the episode is not entirely in the dark. Oh, good. This episode has three minutes of actual animation instead of the eleven that it should! Seriously, if you paid someone to paint your house and they only painted, like, the back of it, would you be paying them full price? Would you even care that they even made it that far? At that point, don't even bother. Nice way to show off that Season Eight animation bump, by the way!
(Caption: Edit: Lights Out is a Season 7 episode. But still.)
Look, it annoys me greatly when the hardest-working artist on the episode is THE PAINT BUCKET TOOL!! "But the plot, though! This is important for the plot." What about the plot? Because Timmy didn't sleep, he wishes for it to be dark for twelve hours straight. You know, there are different ways to show a scene in the dark--even in total darkness--without just putting a black piece of cardboard over the camera lens. Normally, what people do is give the scene much darker shading and use a lot of dark blues.
(Cut to the SpongeBob episode, "Rock Bottom")
SpongeBob: This isn't your average, every day darkness. This is...(the camera jolts closer) advanced darkness.
Mr. Enter: You might know this technique. It was used by the perennial classic, The Fairly OddParents in earlier episodes like "Timmy's 2-D House of Horror." "Timmy's 2-D House of Horror" is actually a very notable episode, by the way. It was notable BECAUSE IT WAS ACTUALLY FUCKING FINISHED!!! I'd say that I'd love to see the re-animated version of this episode, but you can't re-animate something that wasn't animated in the first place. You want me to take this seriously?! This?! Yeah, even the guy who "takes cartoons way too seriously"--I guess I found my line. The only way I'd take this kind of work seriously is as a resignation letter. Yes, I'm harping on this, but quite honestly, if you get to harp on anything, it should be this. Just imagine these people working on any other type of job--you know, it's my finest memory dining out. Going to a restaurant, ordering a fancy meal, and getting an empty plate with a sprig of parsley! But fine because it is my job, I will give this episode as much benefit of the doubt as I possibly could because I will admit, it is something to behold!
This episode attempted to achieve the low, low bar of doing nothing and it still manages to fuck up what it made! This episode comes across as if it's trying to be a radio show. Oh, no. I'm sorry. That's literally the only way in hell that something like this has a prayer of actually working and it's not something they even came close to attempting. A radio show is, well, a show played on the radio. It sounds obvious, but considering what I'm seeing, there are plenty of people who don't know the obvious. So if you're wondering, radios are what people used before televisions. They were like TVs without screens--you only got audio out of it, so it was used primarily for music. But people tried to tell news, ads, or talk about the sports. Even before that, though, people told stories on the radio. The most famous one would probably be Orson Welles' War of the Worlds broadcasts for reasons that are largely exaggerated. Audio storytelling is a different medium from visual storytelling like you might see on a television show, which is why this episode fails from conception. Audio storytelling is good for setting a tone; it can easily hold drama and it's best used for telling serious and compelling stories. Now, you might have realized this, and if this is an easy thing to forget if you're watching "Lights Out," but if you can get past all of that, you'll notice that... this is The Fairly OddParents, which has none of those things in its most default episodes. The Fairly OddParents is a comedy show in which its plots are used to gather gags which usually rely on its visuals. This isn't the kind of show that's known for its witty dialogue.
Mr. Turner: And I picked a bad time to smear my naked body in cat food!
Timmy: Dad's naked?
Mr. Enter: You know when slapstick humor doesn't work?
(Timmy falls down the stairs)
Timmy: Stairs. Then I must be in the...(screams, then falls down more stairs)...living room. Man, that was a long fall.
Mr. Enter: WHEN YOU CAN'T FUCKING SEE IT!!!!
Mr. Turner: Eh, sorry, son, I just waxed the stairs and added more of them!
Mr. Enter: This reminds me of when my parents said I couldn't play video games and that I had to use my imagination instead. Oh yeah, if you can't watch a cartoon, you have to use your imagination instead! You know, it's at times like this where I would explain exactly what's wrong with this, but I'd end up saying something like "visual type humor needs the visuals". I-it's like, no shit, Sherlock! Who the FUCK doesn't understand something so bare basics?! You don't need any education to know this most simplest of facts! It's not even fundamental; it's what you need to know before you can even begin the fundamentals! A kindergartner could probably explain this basic fact to you! Then you watch "Lights Out" from Fairly OddParents. Seriously, am I just so detached from the world that this just seems obvious to me and no one else?
Mrs. Turner: What happened to the lights? Is it a power outage or an eclipse?
Chet Ubetcha: This is Chet Ubetcha saying it's not a power outage and your eyes are open!
(Caption: "It's not a power outage OR an eclipse.")
Mr. Enter: See that there? Chet's line should have been, "It's not a power outage or an eclipse." Wow, you guys really wanted to can this turd; you couldn't take one second to proofread or get another take. I know that that was the line that Chet was supposed to say because it's basic Fairly OddParents writing formula, just repeating the same shit back to back. See how Timmy's house is in the same place for a brief moment that they actually bothered to animate something?
(Timmy screams as he falls down)
Mr. Turner: Sorry, son. I moved our house to the top of a hill because the view is so much better.
(Cuts to a mountainous area where Mr. Enter jumps to the top with a Mario sound effect and enters a cave where The Old Man is)
Old Man: So you've finally come.
Mr. Enter: Yes, I-I am here to seek your wisdom. I've come across a problem that I...just can't understand, no matter how much I think about it.
Old Man: Well, what is it? You have come to access my infinite wisdom.
Mr. Enter: Please tell me, how does a cartoon episode with no animation have an animation error?
Old Man: (nervously) Uhhhhh, I-I must meditate on this. G-give me a moment.
(Caption: 40 years later)
Old Man: I've got it! Everyone involved had absolutely no clue what they were doing!
(Caption: He left eons ago dumbass.)
Old Man: Oh, and he's gone.
Mr. Enter: So towards the end of the episode, random things start happening in a quick and cartoonish pace that have no semblance of any actual reality within The Fairly OddParents or not.
Tootie: Yay! Timmy's unconscious again! (kisses Timmy offscreen as the episode ends)
(Clips from the episode One + One = Ed are shown)
Mr. Enter: Hey, you know what would improve that episode of Ed, Edd n Eddy, you know, "One + One = Ed"? If the only thing in that episode that was animated was everyone's EYES!
Ed: This is fun! (chuckles as he saws a hole in the sky)
Mr. Enter: Crocker in this scene is being hung by a helicopter; he flies up and is then torn apart by saber-toothed tigers that follow him into the sky! I'm not a paleontologist, but from what I know, saber-toothed tigers can't fly! Just because it's in darkness doesn't mean it's not a plot hole! This kind of stuff actually makes the whole thing even worse. It's like they erased the entire animation specifically so nothing would have to obey any of the known laws of continuity. Actually, no. In all reality, they probably did this so they could have a bunch of gags that, uh, probably shouldn't be in The Fairly OddParents. Uh, you know, like bodies mentioning to be lacerated, Crocker getting his eyes ripped out, Timmy's dad being naked for no fucking reason. Also, by the way, that reminds me, every character in this episode is the most unlikable possible; Tootie tries to knock Timmy out with a fucking oar specifically to make him unconscious!
Tootie: I brought a canoe paddle to help you pass out again! (hits him with the paddle, sending him flying)
Mr. Enter: Oh, and Cosmo and Wanda, being the loving godparents they are, try to run Timmy over with a goddamn truck and train! Just because they were pretending to be scary fairies.
Timmy: Wait a minute, you guys were only pretending to be scary fairies?!
Wanda: Yep! You needed to learn your lesson about scaring Poof.
Mr. Enter: Mm-hmm... right. That's a very important lesson for Timmy to learn. Can I see you try to run him over with a truck again?
(Cuts to Timmy being hit by Cosmo and Wanda in a truck honking the horn with Timmy screaming in horror at the sight of them)
Wanda: You needed to learn your lesson about scaring Poof.
Mr. Enter: Right. Now, hit him with a train!
(Cut to a train about to hit Timmy)
Timmy: Oh, no! TRAIN!
(The train hits Timmy and we see Wanda putting a stamp of Timmy on the train. Timmy screams again)
Wanda: You needed to learn your lesson about scaring Poof.
Mr. Enter: Now, pick him up in an airplane, please.
Timmy: An airport?!
(cuts to the airplane)
Cosmo: (scary voice) Prepare for takeoff!
(Timmy screams running away and is lifted by the airplane; his pajamas rip and he falls)
Mr. Enter: Right, Timmy absolutely needs to learn to not scare people. This is an entirely proportional punishment to making a baby cry from a scary story.
I'm gonna say it: I've never watched another cartoon episode--hell, experienced another other single piece of media that stated "I don't give a shit" as much as this episode! This is the literal bottom of the barrel in that regard and it is literally one of the worst things that I have ever watched. Nothing about this works; that's because it IS NOTHING! I'd say that this episode is laziness, but it's more like advanced laziness. I'd want an answer as to why anything about this is anything, but pardon the pun, I'd rather be left in the dark because getting an answer could only serve to piss me off more! There's only two options here: this is either a brazen showcase of I don't give a fuck or a clusterfuck of massive incompetence.
Look, maybe it's hard to understand my, how do you say, unmitigated rage about this. When it comes to the worst pieces of media ever, they're usually unbelievably disgusting, tastelessly offensive, or unbearably annoying. But all that stuff, believe it or not, takes effort! It takes some kind of skill to pull off. It's kind of why "Pet Sitter Pat" is a worse episode to me than "One Coarse Meal", as of this time, at least. "One Coarse Meal" is incredibly offensive with how tactlessly it deals with the concept of suicide, but to give it its credit, it at least tried to tell a story unlike any other SpongeBob episode. Meanwhile, "Pet Sitter Pat" just jacks the same plot as "A Pal for Gary" and brings nothing new to the table besides replacing Puffy Fluffy with Patrick, and I've seen Patrick be an arrogant prick in other episodes! And this kind of laziness gets worse when you've actually seen how hard that people actually work to make good animation, good anything! "Lights Out" is not something that should be made by professionals; it's not something that should be made by amateurs, forget professionals. This is the most offensive thing that you could put in an episode: contempt for your audience.
This episode thinks that you're a moron, each and every one of you. This episode thinks that you don't care that the characters are all fiercely out of character; this episode thinks that you have less than a two-second memory; this episode thinks that you won't care that 80% or more of it is just the character's eyes on a black screen. This is the worst Fairly OddParents episode because you could not make one worse, even if you actively tried to because then, you'd be actively trying to do something, and that would put you leagues ahead of wherever this one came from. There is only one positive thing that I could say about this--it had more time and effort put into it than whatever Oaxis became. Huh, maybe that's where the budget of this episode went. Quite honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.